the lost gospel of judas

i'm not surprised anymore
i don't feel a shock when you show up at my door
with a story full of holes
that we've both chosen to ignore
the robes that we are rolling for

how can i trust anyone when i already know how this ends?
you'll seal the deal with a kiss, my friend
betrayal's never welcome on your lips
and hearts never get easier to mend

i feel a rush of relief
to stop defending my position and suspending disbelief
at the guilt you evince
with a cringe and a wince
the olive branch dressed in a fig leaf

how can i trust anyone when i already know how this ends?
you'll seal the deal with a kiss, my friend
betrayal's never welcome on your lips
and hearts never get easier to mend

let's not dance around sincerity again when we already know how this will end
you'll seal the deal with a kiss, my friend
i can smell the snow on your breath
and hearts never get easier to mend

examination table

why do i open wide
when they say
'stick out your tongue
let me probe inside
and tell me if you feel something'?

why do i take it lying down
when they say
'give me your clothes
put on this hospital gown
don't worry, you won't feel a thing'?

why do i lower my head
when they say
'be a good girl
and do as i have said
let me handle everything'?

why do i hold so still
when they say
'take a deep breath
this might feel a little chill
but it's most likely nothing'?

if i am sick, it's from the terror in your eyes
the awe in which you hold the splendor of your lies

why do i lower my head?

air

spend all my time
erecting fortifications
fingers to the dam
pacing the widows walk

but you lift me out of my skin
and i want to come
up for air
i can't breathe for long
out of the water
but i will meet you there

spend countless hours
shaping paper masks
shrug like atlas
waiting for the ship that won't come in

but you lift me out of my skin
and i want to come
up for air
i can't breathe for long
out of the water
but i will meet you there

i always feel so empty when it's over

shoot for the moon
bring it down like snow
and when it falls for a beat, a breath
i'll wear its glow

pluck out the stars
pin 'em in my eyes
before they wither like wildflowers
i'll tell their lives

oh
i wonder everyone doesn't know
when the music's finished playing
when streamers cover the floor
i'm still dancing slow

but i always feel so empty when it's over

shake all the planets
till orbits realign
in the aftermath i will shiver, laugh
and say, 'you were mine'

remember the moon
the veil of misty white
will cling to my clothes, melt in my hair
when we kiss goodnight

oh
i wonder everyone doesn't know
when the music's finished playing
when streamers cover the floor
i'm still dancing slow

but i always feel so empty when it's over

there's something beautiful in us

i'll tell you what i see in the way you look at me
i see your eyes hold the key to my destruction

i've done this before and i'll do it evermore
miss the warning signs, but step back in time to change direction

i want to believe there's something beautiful in us
i want to believe that we can change, that we can leave behind our selfish ways
i want to believe

but i've got to find my way alone
no one can help me with this

i don't say a word cuz my meaning goes unheard
i spin my stories out for strangers with hearts to listen
i can't entertain, i can't play the pointless games
that everyone is forced to play until they become an addiction

i want to believe there's something beautiful in us
i want to believe that we can change, that we can leave behind our selfish ways
i want to believe

but i've got to find my way alone
no one can help me with this

artificial life

yes i bruise, and sometimes i bleed
but i am wild & wicked & free
don't pin your crimes on a broken heart
then ask me to quietly play the part
you set for me

you don't want me to survive
when you are withered and dead
it makes you feel alive to think
that you are the air keeping me alive
when you are withered and dead
you don't want me to survive

yes i bruise, and sometimes i break
but i am color & light & grace
don't throw a challenge at my feet
then ask me to bow my head in defeat
without a fight

you don't want me to survive
when you are withered and dead
it makes you feel alive to think
that you are the air keeping me alive
when you are withered and dead
you don't want me to survive

unless i embrace the shape of your lies
your artificial life

ghost story

the cold, hard facts are twisted like taffy
open wide for sugared strands of corruption
pulsing cavities hint at self-destruction
in the afterimage of chemical brightened smiles

let me take this out of context with canvas and oil
will you stay the course, seeing what you want to see?
while i paint the landscape in distorted hues
pulled from the palette of our modern prophets

fabricated threats and dire warnings
are monsters under the bed, eating up our hopes
once upon a time there was nothing to fear
but now the closet rattles with mushroom clouds

i choose not to eat the witch's poisoned apple
to sleep while toyed with by puppetmasters
or wait for a hero's strength to rescue me
from a death i welcomed into my own sacred body

let me take this out of context with paper and pen
will you stay the course, hearing what you want to hear?
while i walk you through this disturbing landscape
of past truths erased by ever-present lies

red riding hood

i try to figure out what's wrong with all of us
and why we try to solve our problems with some bullets and a gun
why would you want to hurt someone
even if you've been hurt in the past?
what makes someone hurt someone?
i'm half-afraid to ask

in a world full of wolves maybe i'm just a little girl
instead of the sharp teeth and set jaw, i see a smile curl
why would someone want to hurt me?
i've been through enough in this life
we're all left nursing our own pain
whether it comes from a word or a hand or a knife

we pivot around the sound of those who scream loudest
and i feel my whisper's lost, another useless protest
but i was born a stubborn fool
i'm at the mercy of my heart
and it tells me to struggle and hope and love
even when this life rips me apart

maybe i'm just a little girl and you laugh at me under your hand
i will bring you the flowers i picked in the shadow of the mountain
and if you want you can trample them
but it's all i have to give
i'm going to struggle and hope and love
as long as this world lets me live

i'm going to struggle and hope and love
as long as this world lets me live

the monotony of rising and falling

i'm going home, to shut the door
shut it all out, the bustle and clamor
don't come knocking if you want something
i won't answer no matter how you hammer

not gonna think about the last time i screwed up
or the last time i saw you, or the last thing you said
will put on my headphones, fill up some pages
empty my bruised heart and clear my stubborn head

i can keep track of the nights i haven't slept
by the bottles lined up along my window ledge
i sleep with my computer in the bed these nights
for the comfort of the pulsing of the power light

i'm going home, to shut the door
shut it all out, the climbing and crawling
don't come knocking if you want something
to break the monotony of rising and falling

i choose to walk where others see a wasteland
and i embrace it and i kiss the thorny soil
the spirit comes and raises my chin
oh destiny, i'm scared but i'm going
i'm scared but i'm going

i can keep track of the nights i haven't slept
by the bottles lined up along my window ledge
i sleep with my computer in the bed these nights
for the comfort of the pulsing of the power light

i'm scared but i'm going
i'm scared but i'm going
i'm scared but i'm going
going away

Red Ballpoint Pen

five seconds, i'll lay my soul bare
bask in the phosphor heat
the spark, the hush, the crackle, the flare
i promise to stay incomplete
flickering to nothing but ash
my love burns hot, and it burns out so fast
it burns out so fast but tomorrow i won't care

three minutes, i'll drown in your eyes
touch the sweet cup to my lips
the rose, the blush, the body, the light
i'm forcing my own eclipse
holding on to an empty glass
my love intoxicates, but it never lasts
it never lasts and tomorrow i'll swallow new lies

one night, i'll laugh at this madness
curled up tight in a chair

the pride, the penance, the waste, the sadness
i've seen more truth now than i can bear
scribbling with a red ballpoint pen
my love's an addiction, i'll taste it again
i'll taste it again, and tomorrow i know i'll be glad

poker face

if actions speak louder than words
then i never speak at all
the money's down, bluff's been called
let the chips fall where they may

but my face will never betray me
it will never reveal the things i feel
i'll make up stories about you
and convince myself that they're real
under my breath i whisper, 'don't walk out the door'
meaninglessly, cuz i know you will
i know you

i'm compulsive, pour me a drink
i'll either be happy or sad
when the sun's comin up and my wallet's lost
yeah i've been had or so they say

but my face will never betray me
it will never reveal the things i feel
i'll make up stories about you
and convince myself that they're real
under my breath i whisper, 'don't walk out the door'
meaninglessly, cuz i know you will
i know you

Suppose

You all get married young cuz that's what you're supposed to do
and I suppose it's brought you happiness too? I suppose no one's happier than you

You're having babies young cuz that's what you're supposed to do
and I suppose you've matured too? I suppose you'll raise 'em just like you

I never fit in nowhere, with nothing, with no one
I was never satisfied to live my life just like everyone else
and I might break myself but I'd rather be used
than whole and new and still up on the shelf

You all go to church on sundays cuz that's what you're supposed to do
and I suppose those people in the church love you? I suppose you love those people too

You all talk about your god cuz that's what you're supposed to do
and I suppose you preach what you practice too? I suppose no one's holier than you

but I never fit in nowhere, with nothing, with no one
I was never satisfied to live my life just like everyone else
and I might break myself but i'd rather be used
than whole and new and still up on the shelf

I take communion with a steaming loaf of bread and red wine
in the back of the bar with my friends at closing time

and we never fit in nowhere, with nothing, with no one
we were never satisfied to live our lives just like everyone else
and music is the secret we share among ourselves

our cups run over and spill on the floor
we've stayed up too late, let's just sing one more
all of us broken and used, lost and confused
and we might break ourselves but we'd rather be used
than whole and new and still up on the shelf

Brake Lights

Haven't seen the mountains for a few months now
and it feels like years since I've seen green
The rain's keeping rhythm on the car roof
I wish it was you sitting next to me

Fog is lifting lazy off the slope
Only mist but I think it looks like smoke
There's nothing I really want to listen to
but I wish it was you with your hand on the radio

Then maybe we'd pull off the highway, let all the cars roll on their way
No words to eat up the silence unless there's something to say
Why be in such a hurry? Just slow down and don't worry

Sky is poking out behind the clouds in patches
Looks a lot like me- blue, broken, and ragged
but bright with unspoken promise
and I wish it was you lighting up my blue

Eyes disappear in distant shadow
I think I could sleep on through till tomorrow
Brake lights shake me out of my daze
I wish it was you saying 'sleep now, it'll be ok'

Then maybe we'd pull off the highway, let all the cars roll on their way
No words to eat up the silence unless there's something to say
Why be in such a hurry? Just slow down and don't worry

hurricane

electric fingers lift my hair
while the whirlwind carries our dearest possessions
away
it all comes to nothing
but i am still here

i am the calm in the eye of the storm

static drowns the sound of my voice
i was calling your name through the rain of
destruction
and you never came
but i am still here

i am the calm in the eye of the storm

sometimes i want to throw a glass against the wall
to shut you up, cuz you're not listening at all
sometimes i want to throw myself against the wall
to shut you up, if i fall let me choose to fall

i am the calm in the eye of the storm

colour of fall leaves

friends & neighbors want to tell me what i should do
while they argue over my gift, dogs on a bone
while the meat of my deepest beliefs is torn apart in front of me
& all i want is to go home and try to sleep

should i spend my life staring at an office wall
while inside my head my dreams are the colour of fall leaves
and no one but me can see them withering under my feet?

my songs are my daughters, should i dress them up in tight clothes
put them out on the street? say 'bring me some money kids, before you can come home'?

what i'm gonna do is make my music
however i choose it
& i don't care if you like it or you think you can buy it or sell it or promote it
what i'm gonna do is make my music
even if it breaks my heart and empties my wallet
but don't you ever tell me
'go write a song about it'

friends & neighbors, i'd do anything for you
but when it comes to my dreams, let me be, i'm turning my back on you
cuz i've had to struggle and watch the minutes run to hours and days and years
that will never come again
and i don't wanna hear another argument

what i'm gonna do is make my music
however i choose it
& i don't care if you think you can buy it or you think you can sell it or promote it
what i'm gonna do is make my music
even if it breaks my heart and empties my wallet
but don't you ever say again
'go write a song about it'

Dissolution / Disillusionment

what a disaster
what a surprise
my pulse pounds faster
the water's in my eyes

my instinct says run without saying goodbye
construct a safe edifice of denials and lies
can i lay in the ruins of love that won't survive
until my will dissolves and i let it fall to pieces?

but i take a deep breath and let it out
bite my lip and beat back doubt
why can't you leave me alone
even when you're not here
even when you're nowhere near?

the clocks protest
time stands still
i refuse to confess
to the things i feel

you don't exist, except in my heart
built up of memory & abandoned parts
can i rest in your arms? put my head on your chest
until my will collapses and i let you drift apart?

but i take a deep breath and let it out
bite my lip and beat back doubt
why can't you leave me alone
even when you're not here
even when you're nowhere near?

Cookie

i'm gonna smack your cheek
i'm gonna smack your cheek
don't try to speak, you're up the creek
without a paddle

i'm gonna kick you in the teeth
i'm gonna kick you in the teeth
now that's the score, you lost the war
and i won the battle

get your hands off my cookies you had your share
get your hands off my cookies you had your share
get your hands off my cookies you had your share
you can go to hell, i'll send you there

i'm gonna rip out your tongue
i'm gonna rip out your tongue
don't even run, i've just begun
i've hardly started

i'm gonna pluck out your eyes
i'm gonna pluck out your eyes
don't even cry, don't ask me why
i'm so cold-hearted

get your hands off my cookies you had your share
get your hands off my cookies you had your share
get your hands off my cookies you had your share
you can go to hell, i'll send you there

love will find me

when i walk home i never feel lonely
it's spring and i'm coming back to life again
i am held by the wind, baptized by the rain
waltz with the blossoms, drift to the pavement

i still believe love will find me
love will find me

i know the thoughts that cross your mind
i'm holding on for truth of a different kind
kisses that shake me, make my body sing
eyes that look within, that see past the skin

i still believe love will find me
love will find me

sometimes i surrender to the moment
cuz i'm not sure if tomorrow's really coming
the whole world's at war, fighting for nothing
the building's are falling, we're all for the killing

but i still believe love will find me
love will find me

casually

why do you feel the need to lie? i'm not gonna fall for it
i'm not sixteen anymore
all those pretty words you spout, like i won't figure it out
like i haven't been through this before

you say nobody sees me for who i am
to imply you do as you try to woo me with the weakest sham
but i see through you

you didn't let me down
you didn't let me down
you just met my lowest expectation
and i am disappointed but not surprised

that's the beginning and the end, now don't bother to pretend
like you're actually worried for me
cuz it don't matter anyway, got my heart break stowed away
for someone who's worth the agony

you say you wanna kiss me, my composure slips
cuz it's easy to see how casually things pass your lips
i want none of it

you didn't let me down
you didn't let me down
you just met my lowest expectation
and i am disappointed but not surprised

you must think i'm stupid
i am disappointed
but unsuprised

weapons of mass destruction

dragged you around like you were my old ball n' chain
but it was all in my head, i must have been insane
now i'll shoot you through the heart, a nice clean bullet wound
so you can get on with your life and mine can finally resume

i stumble around in a fog of my own making
but i'm not taking any prisoners anymore
i stumble around in the fallout i called down
but i'm not crowning any kings anymore

strung on a line, all of you i've loved for nothing
say you love me forever, but lies don't soothe the sting
so i'll let my arrows fly, shoot down your once-upon-a-times
so happily ever after won't have to die for your crimes

i stumble around in a fog of my own making
but i'm not taking any prisoners anymore
i stumble around in the fallout i called down
but i'm not crowning any kings anymore

i wasn't made for anyone else
so i will unmake myself

everybody's in trouble

it's coming down, coming down, coming down
you brought the rain
and if it stops i'll do a dance and say a prayer
to bring it back down again

today i'll go for a walk and get soaked to the skin
today i'll let the rain replace the pain i'm bathing in

everybody's in trouble
breaking to pieces
where are the kings men when you need 'em

i just wanna know that you're alright
at least one of us should make it out alive

it's coming down, coming down, coming down
to a nasty fall
couldn't stay safe below i had to climb up and
risk it all

today i'll find a way to mend my splintered bones
today i'll let the fall rupture my heart of stone

everybody's in trouble
breaking to pieces
where are the kings men when you need 'em

i just wanna know that you're alright
at least one of us should make it out alive

all you see

you take it in the gut
when he calls you a thief, a liar, & a slut
tears a hole in your shirt
& tells you to go change into a longer skirt

little girl
why don't you stay down
when he knocks you to the ground?
you just keep getting up
cuz all you see
is love

excuses wearing thin
bruises blossom beneath your skin
you said you fell again
split your lip, chipped a tooth, busted your chin

little girl
why don't you stay down
when he knocks you to the ground?
you just keep getting up
cuz all you see
is love

you tell me not to pry
you've got your reasons, i don't need to know why
but you're staying till the end
& if i question you i'm not really your friend

little girl
why don't you stay down
when he knocks you to the ground?
you just keep getting up
cuz all you see
is love

eggshell heart

i broke my eggshell heart against the lip of your cup
tried to hide how raw i felt inside but i wasn't firm enough
now the embryo of love is pooling on the table
i'm helpless, unable to stop its mad rush
i could quiver, i could blush
but i refuse to die twice

i've felt love in all its shades & degress
felt it hardening my resolve & weakening my knees
saw its open jaws & sent myself hurtling in
to fall down, humpty-dumpty & never get the lesson
i could whimper, i could cry
but i refuse to die twice

so i devour your hunger like a storybook
& look up in time to catch you in a lingering look
place my eggshell heart within your capable hands
you can take me or break me- i understand
won't be long before i'm gone
because i refuse to die twice

quiet from chaos

let's us go down to the lake
sit in the winter grass
no promises to make
the water's a looking glass

& in the mirror i see
sky spin out infinitely
sun's winter doubt wavering
clouds strung across a canopy
& hush until we can still chaos with
our quiet

i'll wrap one arm around my knees
while you skip stones
& pick at last year's leaves
& pretend not to feel alone

in the mirror i see
sky spin out infinitely
sun's winter doubt wavering
clouds strung across a canopy
& hush until we can still chaos with
our quiet

don't bend my ear to what i don't want to hear
& i swear i will do the same for you
hush until we can still chaos with
our quiet

Spine

i'll be fine.
i've got a spine made of iron, fortified with wine
i'll watch you from the corner of my eye
then i'll sigh,
then i'll leave without saying goodbye

i'll be fine.
toe the line, bite my lip, but won't give you a sign
i'll write songs to no one but they're all for you
it's what i do
tell the truth without telling the truth

if there's one thing you can take away with you
remember i'm foolishly stubborn & endlessly blue
but i'll be fine
cuz i'm always always always alright

i'll be fine.
i will sign what you desire on the bottom line
i'll tear my own heart in two before
you can do it
i don't want to go through it

i'll be fine.
i've got a spine made of iron, fortified with wine
i'll watch you from the corner of my eye
then i'll sigh,
then i'll leave without saying goodbye

if there's one thing you can take away with you
remember i'm foolishly stubborn & endlessly blue
but i'll be fine
cuz i'm always always always alright

i've always been a sucker for
anyone who would suck me in
& use me up & spit me out & do it all again
but i'll be fine
cuz i'm always always always
alright

breaking or broken

night unfolds, rose petals
& i'm holding a vigil again
candle light, another night
heartbreaking or heartbroken

waltz alone in the streetlight glow
glistening in the rain

& everything seems more beautiful
when i'm wishing wishing wishing
for someone to share it with

watch the clock, never stops
edging toward blooming sun
toss & turn, flame still burns
heartbreaking or heartbroken

naked trees laugh at the breeze
buffeting their skin

& everything seems more beautiful
when i'm wishing wishing wishing
for someone to share it with

sometimes i feel like i don't exist
or maybe i'm the only one left alive

natural selection

it's a jungle
it's a jungle in the city
wanna beat me?
wanna eat me?
it's natural selection

but i won't fight you for it
so step back
i won't fight you

it's survival
it's survival of the fittest
wanna fight me?
wanna bite me?
it's natural selection

but i won't fight you for it
so step back
i won't fight you

cuz i don't need anyone
i won't fight you

Home, Finally

my life's strange & unpredictable
reads like a novel, like a screenplay
a puzzle with a million jagged pieces
fragments that just fall into place
with no mistakes to erase

if life gets any more beautiful my heart might break
at the unlooked for happiness trailing in its wake
my heart might break

watch night form solidly
floor of cloud beneath a plane wing
stars transmit secret meaning
while the engine throbs & sings me
home, finally

if life gets any more beautiful my heart might break
at the unlooked for happiness trailing in its wake
my heart might break

losing someone

five o' clock, i am locked in a train
tempted to pull the emergency break
to stop myself from rolling out of control
off the tracks, a runaway
but my wicked smile says i don't mind, it's ok

i dream when i am wide awake
craving for the taste of
another heartbreak on my tongue
cuz nothing is as sweet as losing someone
losing someone

same thoughts hide behind each face
no differences beneath flannel or lace
i'll take you all on the ride of your lives
just give me your hands & close your eyes
my weary smile says never mind, it's alright

i dream when i am wide awake
craving for the taste of
another heartbreak on my tongue
cuz nothing is as sweet as losing someone
losing someone

happiness hurts

i don't want anything to change
hang the year in a picture frame
scratch my name on the window pane
to say i was here

wandering room after room
shadows of unknown disasters loom
soon i'll be singing a broken tune
to ward off fear

happiness hurts
cuz i can't make it last
it's moving too fast, another year past
happiness hurts cuz i can't make it last

flecks of dust floating in gold
i stop to watch the dance unfold
some of us young are untellably old
we can't forget

how many loves did i lose?
offered up as a gift to my muse
she's always hungry and i can't refuse
but no regret

happiness hurts
cuz i can't make it last
it's moving too fast, another year past
happiness hurts cuz i can't make it last

rebirth

when you were young
you had to run & run & run
& outrun the pain
of your need, of your desire
you had to bleed & bleed
& burn in the fire

cuz it's urgent, it's urgent, it's urgent
tomorrow you won't know why
& the pain burrows down so deep
you think you're going to die

till you fall exhausted to the ground
with the weight of your life pressing you down
till slow, slow, slow
you feel the earth revolve beneath you
you feel the rain fall absolve you

love is a seed, plant it deep
it grows, grows out of control
love is a flame, it defeats the ice
& laughs & laughs & kisses the snow

till you reach toward the sky
push through the soil
& strain, strain, strain through the earth
break the surface, break the curses
& glow, glow, glow
in the light of rebirth

just don't give up hope
everything resolves itself in time
& love will not be denied