the lost gospel of judas

i'm not surprised anymore
i don't feel a shock when you show up at my door
with a story full of holes
that we've both chosen to ignore
the robes that we are rolling for

how can i trust anyone when i already know how this ends?
you'll seal the deal with a kiss, my friend
betrayal's never welcome on your lips
and hearts never get easier to mend

i feel a rush of relief
to stop defending my position and suspending disbelief
at the guilt you evince
with a cringe and a wince
the olive branch dressed in a fig leaf

how can i trust anyone when i already know how this ends?
you'll seal the deal with a kiss, my friend
betrayal's never welcome on your lips
and hearts never get easier to mend

let's not dance around sincerity again when we already know how this will end
you'll seal the deal with a kiss, my friend
i can smell the snow on your breath
and hearts never get easier to mend

examination table

why do i open wide
when they say
'stick out your tongue
let me probe inside
and tell me if you feel something'?

why do i take it lying down
when they say
'give me your clothes
put on this hospital gown
don't worry, you won't feel a thing'?

why do i lower my head
when they say
'be a good girl
and do as i have said
let me handle everything'?

why do i hold so still
when they say
'take a deep breath
this might feel a little chill
but it's most likely nothing'?

if i am sick, it's from the terror in your eyes
the awe in which you hold the splendor of your lies

why do i lower my head?

air

spend all my time
erecting fortifications
fingers to the dam
pacing the widows walk

but you lift me out of my skin
and i want to come
up for air
i can't breathe for long
out of the water
but i will meet you there

spend countless hours
shaping paper masks
shrug like atlas
waiting for the ship that won't come in

but you lift me out of my skin
and i want to come
up for air
i can't breathe for long
out of the water
but i will meet you there

i always feel so empty when it's over

shoot for the moon
bring it down like snow
and when it falls for a beat, a breath
i'll wear its glow

pluck out the stars
pin 'em in my eyes
before they wither like wildflowers
i'll tell their lives

oh
i wonder everyone doesn't know
when the music's finished playing
when streamers cover the floor
i'm still dancing slow

but i always feel so empty when it's over

shake all the planets
till orbits realign
in the aftermath i will shiver, laugh
and say, 'you were mine'

remember the moon
the veil of misty white
will cling to my clothes, melt in my hair
when we kiss goodnight

oh
i wonder everyone doesn't know
when the music's finished playing
when streamers cover the floor
i'm still dancing slow

but i always feel so empty when it's over

there's something beautiful in us

i'll tell you what i see in the way you look at me
i see your eyes hold the key to my destruction

i've done this before and i'll do it evermore
miss the warning signs, but step back in time to change direction

i want to believe there's something beautiful in us
i want to believe that we can change, that we can leave behind our selfish ways
i want to believe

but i've got to find my way alone
no one can help me with this

i don't say a word cuz my meaning goes unheard
i spin my stories out for strangers with hearts to listen
i can't entertain, i can't play the pointless games
that everyone is forced to play until they become an addiction

i want to believe there's something beautiful in us
i want to believe that we can change, that we can leave behind our selfish ways
i want to believe

but i've got to find my way alone
no one can help me with this